Funny Bar Jokes

  • Old Drunk (Rating: 3.00) A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks ...Read More
  • Mouse Tattoo (Rating: 1.25) There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women can ...Read More
  • I'm not drunk (Rating: 3.50) I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful c ...Read More
  • Drunk Superhero (Rating: 3.40) Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks ...Read More
  • Drunk and Arthritis (Rating: 3.00) A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of br ...Read More
  • Drinking Buddies (Rating: 3.00) Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the othe ...Read More
  • Dickens and the Martini (Rating: 3.00) Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, ?Olive or twist?? ...Read More
  • Death in the Family (Rating: 2.50) A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "M ...Read More
  • Cheap Beer (Rating: 3.33) A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. ...Read More
  • Best Friend (Rating: 3.00) A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy r ...Read More
  • Been Messin' With The Waitress (Rating: 3.00) The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied th ...Read More
  • Bar Joke (Rating: 1.50) A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in ...Read More
  • Bar Chatup (Rating: 3.33) A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to he ...Read More
  • Bad News 2 (Rating: 3.00) A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," repli ...Read More
  • A Really Bad Day (Rating: 2.00) There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
  • A Message For The Manager (Rating: 4.00) A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arr ...Read More
  • A Drinking Problem (Rating: 1.00) I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth... ...Read More
  • 2 Drunk Guys (Rating: 3.00) A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: ...Read More
  • 12 Year Old Scotch (Rating: 1.00) A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a d ...Read More
  • Extremely Drunk (Rating: 3.00) A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh ...Read More
  • Can I Smell Something (Rating: 3.00) A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks ...Read More
  • All Lawyers are Assholes (Rating: 2.00) A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Wh ...Read More
  • 5 Stages of Being Drunk (Rating: 1.00) Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your ...Read More
  • $1000 Competition (Rating: 2.00) The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lem ...Read More
  • Alcoholic Side Effects (Rating: 2.67) The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whisper ...Read More
  • All You Can Drink (Rating: 1.00) A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gu ...Read More
  • A Round For The House (Rating: 2.00) A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does ...Read More
  • What You Got (Rating: 2.00) A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with f ...Read More
  • Beer Festival (Rating: 3.00) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says " ...Read More
  • Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job (Rating: 3.00) 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. ...Read More
  • Deadbeat in a Bar (Rating: 3.00) A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don ...Read More
  • Evils of Liquor (Rating: 3.00) A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass ...Read More
  • Finding The Car (Rating: 1.50) A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out ofthe bar and ...Read More
  • Deaf Men in a Bar (Rating: 4.20) A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to t ...Read More
  • Stages of Drunkeness (Rating: 3.00) 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up ...Read More
  • Pirate's Misfortunes (Rating: 4.67) A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in pla ...Read More
  • State Of The Art Watch (Rating: 3.00) A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watc ...Read More
  • Spent Paycheck (Rating: 2.00) Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could ...Read More
  • Signs That You are Too Drunk (Rating: 3.00) You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your ...Read More
  • Presents for the Wife (Rating: 3.00) Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, ...Read More
  • Speech Impediment (Rating: 3.00) Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to an ...Read More
  • I Thought You Were My Wife (Rating: 4.00) A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his han ...Read More
  • Selling the Wife (Rating: 2.00) A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few ...Read More
  • The Buffalo Theory (Rating: 2.00) The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer.. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weake ...Read More
  • Proud Texan Father (Rating: 4.00) A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two wee ...Read More
  • Vampires in a Bar (Rating: 3.00) It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in cra ...Read More
  • A Chick With Long Legs (Rating: 3.00) A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turn ...Read More
  • A Really Bad Day (Rating: 3.00) There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
  • Professional Gambler (Rating: 2.17) During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the hous ...Read More
  • A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama (Rating: 4.50) A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" ...Read More
  • A duck walks into a bar... (Rating: 4.50) A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, th ...Read More
  • Pee on the bar (Rating: 4.67) Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a ...Read More
  • A new guy in town walks into a bar (Rating: 4.00) A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up wi ...Read More
  • A leprechaun walks into a bar (Rating: 4.00) A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits ...Read More
  • A String Walks Into a Bar... (Rating: 2.00) A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes b ...Read More
  • OUCH! (Rating: 4.26) A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A fe ...Read More
  • Are you a cowboy? (Rating: 3.95) An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ...Read More
  • 12 Shots (Rating: 3.63) A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" ...Read More
  • A Bear Walks into a Bar... (Rating: 2.75) A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer.............and a glass of water." The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?" ...Read More
  • Giraffe in a Bar (Rating: 3.17) A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and they sit down on two stools at the front. The guy says to the barman "two beers please barman". The ...Read More
  • A Leper in a Bar (Rating: 4.00) So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf ...Read More
  • Bartender and a drunk (Rating: 3.22) A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give m ...Read More
  • Panda in a bar (Rating: 3.78) A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear e ...Read More
  • Octopus in the bar (Rating: 3.33) A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender wa ...Read More