Funny Jokes

Canadian Politics (Rating: 3.33) Q: What are the two main political parties in Canada? A: Moose and Squirrel ...Read More
Aliens Attack! (Rating: 3.75) The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself ...Read More
Playing with a Train (Rating: 4.25) A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train st ...Read More
The Dog's Diary versus The Cat's Diary (Rating: 4.50) The Dog's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! ...Read More
Jehovah's Witness (Rating: 2.75) A Jehovah's Witness canvasser knocks at the door. The man inside opens the door and asks him in. They sit down, and very cordially, the man offe ...Read More
Funny High Gas Price Jokes : One-liners (Rating: 3.67) My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station. I have my car towed to work bec ...Read More
Regular or Premium (Rating: 3.67) When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn't remember. "You p ...Read More
Gas price comparison (Rating: 4.00) People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were ...Read More
The High Price of Gas (Rating: 4.25) Q: What happens after the government takes 35 percent of your paycheck? A: The gas station takes the rest! Q: What does OPEC now stand for? A: ...Read More
Need Gas? We take credit cards... (Rating: 4.75) There was a sign at the gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' Its true! After I filled up they t ...Read More
Purchasing new brains (Rating: 4.00) A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center ...Read More
What day is that day? (Rating: 3.67) My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband qu ...Read More
The difference between Republicans & Democrats (Rating: 3.40) A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business ...Read More
Helping the United States of America (Rating: 2.00) One night, Barack Obama was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Obama saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could ...Read More
Asking the Wizard of Oz (Rating: 3.50) President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him. ...Read More
Redneck Driving Application (Rating: 4.25) Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] B ...Read More
Father and Son (Rating: 4.00) One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son repl ...Read More
Down South Bumper Stickers (Rating: 4.50) => The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are ...Read More
Dat Ain't Bubba (Rating: 4.00) Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two ...Read More
Cornflakes (Rating: 2.75) Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The ...Read More
A Rock Solid Defense (Rating: 3.00) A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. ...Read More
Redneck and a Trailer (Rating: 4.00) Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer! ...Read More
New Rooster (Rating: 3.50) An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years a ...Read More
My Pa Won't Like It (Rating: 4.00) A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, ...Read More
Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks (Rating: 5.00) GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to ...Read More
Last Ditch Effort (Rating: 4.00) Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar ...Read More
Iowa Taxidermist in Alabama (Rating: 3.00) This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around ...Read More
In Hot Pursuit (Rating: 4.00) Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect crossed the Georgia l ...Read More
I Love You (Rating: 3.00) English..... I Love You Spanish..... Te Amo French...... Je T'aime German...... Ich Liebe Dich Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu Italian..... Ti Amo ...Read More
Getting The Story Straight (Rating: 4.00) When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A repor ...Read More
Eucalyptus Road (Rating: 4.00) Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived. "Right at the e ...Read More
It's the way you say it (Rating: 4.00) A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He ...Read More
Redneck Logic (Rating: 4.00) Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the cou ...Read More
Redneck Jedi (Rating: 0.00) You know you're a redneck jedi when.. You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y' ...Read More
Expensive Fishing Trip (Rating: 4.00) Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin ...Read More
Redneck Morals (Rating: 5.00) The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town f ...Read More
Redneck At The Bar (Rating: 1.00) A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the b ...Read More
Southern Comments (Rating: 3.00) Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, y ...Read More
Naming the Twins (Rating: 5.00) A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he ...Read More
You Must Be A Redneck If (Rating: 5.00) * You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" a ...Read More
Elevator Magic (Rating: 5.00) A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, ...Read More
Computer Matchmaker (Rating: 2.25) A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activit ...Read More
Joe the lawyer (Rating: 3.50) Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for ...Read More
A new miracle doctor (Rating: 4.00) A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the ...Read More
Turn your traffic (Rating: 5.00) Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three en ...Read More
Jury Selection (Rating: 3.00) The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question ses ...Read More
Terrorists (Rating: 5.00) A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. Mor ...Read More
Reading Of The Will (Rating: 4.00) A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, ...Read More
Opposing lawyers (Rating: 3.00) Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Bot ...Read More
I Want to Buy That (Rating: 3.60) A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blond ...Read More
Misbehaving Guide Dog (Rating: 4.20) A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket an ...Read More
Meals on Wheels (Rating: 2.50) Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- ...Read More
Matador Special (Rating: 3.00) A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Mata ...Read More
Make My Horse Laugh (Rating: 4.00) There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So thi ...Read More
Impressive Hunting Dog (Rating: 3.50) An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. S ...Read More
Idiot Chicken Farmer (Rating: 2.00) An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred ...Read More
Hung Like An Elephant (Rating: 4.00) This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually ...Read More
Helping To Clean The Dishes (Rating: 2.00) Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer ...Read More
Gorilla Chase! (Rating: 4.00) There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and ha ...Read More
Getting Excited at the Zoo (Rating: 5.00) It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, ...Read More
Fur Fortune (Rating: 2.00) Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. "Good wor ...Read More
Frog, warts and all (Rating: 5.00) A lawyer walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The bar attendant asks. "what's that on your head? The frog says. "I don't know, it started o ...Read More
Flying Turtle (Rating: 3.00) Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and cr ...Read More
Fleas (Rating: 2.33) Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Shall we walk or take a dog? ...Read More
Farmer Joe and his Mule (Rating: 4.00) Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. I ...Read More
Farmer and the Pretty Lady (Rating: 4.00) One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped ...Read More
Enchanted Rattlesnake (Rating: 3.00) It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse we ...Read More
Elephant and Man (Rating: 2.00) What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?" ...Read More
Ducks in Heaven (Rating: 4.00) Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, ...Read More
Dragging your feet (Rating: 3.00) Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowin ...Read More
Donkey Raffle (Rating: 3.00) Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. ...Read More
Dangerous Squirrels (Rating: 4.00) A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe?s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob?s lead. Bob saw a small herd of de ...Read More
Counting Sheep (Rating: 2.67) An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting ...Read More
Comfortable (Rating: 4.00) Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order ...Read More
Clever Doggie (Rating: 4.00) A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the ...Read More
Chuckie Chicken (Rating: 4.00) An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster ...Read More
Camel Questions (Rating: 4.50) A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well s ...Read More
Calf Value (Rating: 4.00) A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what h ...Read More
Blonde Horses Around (Rating: 4.00) There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a l ...Read More
Beethoven's Chicken (Rating: 2.50) Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..." ...Read More
Bear on a Rampage (Rating: 4.00) Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their li ...Read More
Bear Hunt (Rating: 2.00) Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wo ...Read More
At The Circus (Rating: 3.00) A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them. "Mommy, what's that long thing ...Read More
A Koala and a Hooker (Rating: 4.00) A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on ...Read More
20,000 Cockroaches (Rating: 3.00) Customer: Do you have and cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you ...Read More
Cock A Doodly Doo! (Rating: 4.00) This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he ...Read More
Jesus and the Robber (Rating: 3.00) One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, "Who said tha ...Read More
How'd you want them (Rating: 3.50) A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. N ...Read More
Got a headache (Rating: 1.00) It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla ca ...Read More
Goodbye To Mother (Rating: 3.00) A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat s ...Read More
The Mink Coat (Rating: 4.00) A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the ...Read More
The Hunting Dog (Rating: 4.00) Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any duc ...Read More
Living with the Wolf Man (Rating: 2.33) The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he ...Read More
Monkey Organization (Rating: 3.00) An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys ...Read More
Wittle Wabbit (Rating: 4.00) A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper ge ...Read More
The Other Side (Rating: 1.50) Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. ...Read More
Lion Tamer (Rating: 3.00) Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no li ...Read More
Vampire bat (Rating: 3.00) A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all ...Read More
Old Drunk (Rating: 3.00) A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks ...Read More
Mouse Tattoo (Rating: 1.25) There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women can ...Read More
I'm not drunk (Rating: 3.50) I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful c ...Read More
Drunk Superhero (Rating: 3.40) Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks ...Read More
Drunk and Arthritis (Rating: 3.00) A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of br ...Read More
Drinking Buddies (Rating: 3.00) Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the othe ...Read More
Dickens and the Martini (Rating: 3.00) Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, ?Olive or twist?? ...Read More
Death in the Family (Rating: 2.50) A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "M ...Read More
Cheap Beer (Rating: 3.33) A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. ...Read More
Celtic Mortality (Rating: 4.00) What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. ...Read More
Best Friend (Rating: 3.00) A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy r ...Read More
Been Messin' With The Waitress (Rating: 3.00) The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied th ...Read More
Bar Joke (Rating: 1.50) A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in ...Read More
Bar Chatup (Rating: 3.33) A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to he ...Read More
Bad News 2 (Rating: 3.00) A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," repli ...Read More
A Really Bad Day (Rating: 2.00) There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
A Message For The Manager (Rating: 4.00) A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arr ...Read More
A Drinking Problem (Rating: 1.00) I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth... ...Read More
2 Drunk Guys (Rating: 3.00) A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: ...Read More
12 Year Old Scotch (Rating: 1.00) A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a d ...Read More
Extremely Drunk (Rating: 3.00) A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh ...Read More
Can I Smell Something (Rating: 3.00) A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks ...Read More
All Lawyers are Assholes (Rating: 2.00) A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Wh ...Read More
5 Stages of Being Drunk (Rating: 1.00) Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your ...Read More
$1000 Competition (Rating: 2.00) The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lem ...Read More
Alcoholic Side Effects (Rating: 2.67) The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whisper ...Read More
All You Can Drink (Rating: 1.00) A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gu ...Read More
A Round For The House (Rating: 2.00) A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does ...Read More
What You Got (Rating: 2.00) A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with f ...Read More
Beer Festival (Rating: 3.00) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says " ...Read More
Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job (Rating: 3.00) 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. ...Read More
Deadbeat in a Bar (Rating: 3.00) A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don ...Read More
Evils of Liquor (Rating: 3.00) A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass ...Read More
Finding The Car (Rating: 1.50) A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out ofthe bar and ...Read More
Deaf Men in a Bar (Rating: 4.20) A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to t ...Read More
Stages of Drunkeness (Rating: 3.00) 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up ...Read More
Pirate's Misfortunes (Rating: 4.67) A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in pla ...Read More
State Of The Art Watch (Rating: 3.00) A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watc ...Read More
Spent Paycheck (Rating: 2.00) Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could ...Read More
Signs That You are Too Drunk (Rating: 3.00) You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your ...Read More
Presents for the Wife (Rating: 3.00) Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, ...Read More
Speech Impediment (Rating: 3.00) Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to an ...Read More
I Thought You Were My Wife (Rating: 4.00) A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his han ...Read More
Selling the Wife (Rating: 2.00) A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few ...Read More
The Buffalo Theory (Rating: 2.00) The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer.. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weake ...Read More
Proud Texan Father (Rating: 4.00) A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two wee ...Read More
Vampires in a Bar (Rating: 3.00) It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in cra ...Read More
A Chick With Long Legs (Rating: 3.00) A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turn ...Read More
Circumcision (Rating: 4.00) Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?" The other says, "C ...Read More
Beautiful (Rating: 4.50) There was a husband and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he ...Read More
Cremate Me (Rating: 0.00) A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And ...Read More
Crazy Patients (Rating: 1.00) A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending ...Read More
Labour Pains (Rating: 0.00) A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transf ...Read More
Lethal Food (Rating: 4.00) A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting he ...Read More
Mental Release (Rating: 0.00) A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head ...Read More
Do You Have The Time (Rating: 3.00) A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell i ...Read More
Negotiations (Rating: 4.00) Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe ...Read More
Migraine Cure (Rating: 0.00) A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient ...Read More
The Faith Healer (Rating: 0.00) Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," ...Read More
Mix Up at the Hospital (Rating: 5.00) This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and nurses had ...Read More
All Out of Anaesthetic (Rating: 0.00) A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her ...Read More
Stuttering Problem (Rating: 5.00) A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" ...Read More
Need Samples (Rating: 3.00) An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I n ...Read More
A Fisherman's Tale (Rating: 4.50) Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off ...Read More
10 things in golf that sound dirty (Rating: 4.00) 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I ca ...Read More
10 Reasons Not To Jog (Rating: 5.00) 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would ...Read More
Number One Sport (Rating: 3.00) A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified w ...Read More
New Bowling Rules (Rating: 3.50) Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get ...Read More
Two zebras pondering (Rating: 3.00) Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. ...Read More
The bride tells her husband (Rating: 4.33) The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. P ...Read More
Poor guy (Rating: 4.50) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He or ...Read More
Only three doors (Rating: 2.67) An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain ...Read More
New Bimbo Prefix (Rating: 2.00) If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a ...Read More
Girls night out (Rating: 2.33) Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home the ...Read More
Generous lawyer (Rating: 3.00) A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of ...Read More
Blonde paint job (Rating: 4.00) A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the fr ...Read More
Impossible to Please (Rating: 3.00) A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends ...Read More
From A Mother With Love (Rating: 5.00) Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in ...Read More
Electric Train (Rating: 5.00) A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She ...Read More
Billing (Rating: 5.00) A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the do ...Read More
Advantages Of Being A Woman (Rating: 4.50) Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and a ...Read More
ABC's of ex girlfriends (Rating: 2.50) A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your ...Read More
A Really Bad Day (Rating: 3.00) There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps ne ...Read More
101 Ways To Annoy People (Rating: 4.00) 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through ...Read More
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin (Rating: 5.00) A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still ...Read More
Military Maneuvers (Rating: 4.00) By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. ...Read More
You Need a Prescription (Rating: 0.00) A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I can ...Read More
Talking Parrots (Rating: 5.00) A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." ...Read More
Ten Fat Cows (Rating: 4.00) Q: How do you get ten fat cows in your basement? A: Hold a tupperware party! ...Read More
A way to save your marriage (Rating: 4.00) A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, t ...Read More
Forty years of marriage (Rating: 2.00) A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because th ...Read More
Getting revenge with marriage (Rating: 1.00) Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer J ...Read More
An Organization (Rating: 3.00) An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up...some down. The monkey ...Read More
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover (Rating: 0.00) 1.You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets. 2.Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to ...Read More
0 to 200 in 6 seconds (Rating: 0.00) Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the d ...Read More
New Years Lecture (Rating: 3.00) On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was sto ...Read More
New Years Resolutions (Rating: 0.00) I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every January 1st. While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I' ...Read More
Computer vs Cars (Rating: 5.00) For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), ...Read More
Life or Death Issue (Rating: 2.00) There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" ...Read More
Overheard At The Hospital (Rating: 3.00) Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What ...Read More
The First Class Airline Agent (Rating: 5.00) During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenien ...Read More
A Lawyer and a Blonde (Rating: 4.00) A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would ...Read More

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